Ten Rules for Dating my Hikari
by lalunaticscribe
Summary: Or, Nine Rules for Dating my Hikari and What Happens When You Try and Separate Us. Yamixhikari shipping. Contains mention of murder, castration and Shadow Games. Not for the faint of heart.


_**Nine Rules for Dating My Hikari + What happens if you separate us**_

_**An LLS Production**_

* * *

><p><em>Rule One :<em>

_Don't. If you are, I will kill you._

Ryou walked into the house just as Bakura shoved the last of the body through the dimensional rift into the Shadow Realm.

"Bakura?"

"Experimenting!" Bakura called back as he mopped up the last of the bodily fluids on the kitchen floor.

_Rule Two :_

_You do not touch my hikari in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below his neck, because that is sacred territory reserved for me. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my hikari's body, I will remove them. Bloodily. I do not care how much my hikari likes you; before the other half of his soul, you are immaterial._

"Yami?" Yuugi called as Yami Mind Crushed the last stalker and kicked the body into the bushes.

"Yes, _aibou_?" Kick went the arm into the bush for throwing to the Curse of Dragon later.

_Rule Three :_

_I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loose that they appear to be falling off. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during your date with my hikari, I will use my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely to your waist. And then I will use a guillotine to make sure the problem is not permanent. _

Marik sceptically gave the guillotine a look. The blade was extra long, perfect for chopping a person's waist.

"No," he stated. His other half's face fell comically.

"We'll come back at night."

Malik brightened considerably.

_Rule Four :_

_I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: I am the barrier, and I will kill you. And even after that, the afterlife will not hide you from me._

Ryou paused as the freezer door swung open, bounced, and began to close again, gently thumping against his head.

"Bakura, what is the thing dripping blood in the freezer?"

"Oh, those are gonads?"

The suspicious absence of Ryou's past date later gave the _hikari _not-so-pretty suspicions for weeks.

_Rule Five :_

_In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about the issues of the day. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my hikari safely back at the house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "five minutes ago". If not, then we will enquire further, concerning the subject of what flowers would you like at your funeral._

"I think black roses are very nice, don't you?" Yami finished, some sadistic part of him enjoying the other's greenish expression. Crimson eyes bore into the other's soul as Yami no Yuugi whispered: "I think I'll send some if you come within ten feet of my partner ever again."

Three days later...

"Yami," Yuugi called. "Why did my last date get a restraining order against us?"

"I wouldn't know, _aibou_," the former Pharaoh replied back cheerfully, poring over a book. "Girls are such funny things."

_Rule Six :_

_I have no doubt you are a popular person, with many opportunities to date others. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my hikari. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my light, you will continue to date no one but him until he is finished with you. If you make him cry, I will ensure you reach a bloody painful death via the Shadow Realm._

There was a special part of the Realm corralled off. That part of the shadow Realm was mostly desert anyway, of no value to anyone except the Gravekeepers.

It was in here that cheaters, two-timers and the unfaithful would go to spend eternity repenting.

_Rule Seven :_

_As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my hikari to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. My hikari is getting ready, a process that can take longer than travelling through the Shadow Realm. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like bleed to death?_

Marik's former date for the night hung upside down in the Ishtar/Ishtal kitchen, bleeding from the opened carotid artery into a enamel bowl placed under where he was suspended. Over the body was draped a blanket of shadow magic.

"No, _habibi_," Malik cheerfully told a confused Marik. "I have absolutely no idea where he went."

_Rule Eight :_

_The following places are appropriate for a date with my hikari: movies which features chain saws are okay. Duel Monsters tournaments are okay. Old folks homes are fine. Cemeteries are better. If you do not agree, know that I can see you from the shadows and will kill you if you do not conform to the criteria. A greater expansion can be found in subsection b, but what's the fun in showing you when seeing you fly in blind is so fun?_

To illustrate, Ryou's last three dates tried to bring him to a nightclub. All three were found later with their throats sliced opened while Ryou himself was seen making out with a white-haired doppelgänger.

After the third 'mugging accident', Ryou gave up dating anyone else but Bakura. It just didn't seem fair to the poor saps.

_Rule Nine :_

_Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a doppelgänger of my hikari and an ordinary human, psychotic has-been. But on issues relating to my hikari, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have shadow magic in my hands, soul-searing monsters at my command and a whole realm to hide the body. Do not trifle with me._

Two pairs of eyes watched as the golden scales tilted. On the left pan rested a white feather, the right pan remaining empty, yet the right pan kept going down, as if weighed down by something invisible.

"Last chance," Yami said to the other tied-down man.

"Please, I'll give you anything, spare me!" the broken sop babbled.

"Sorry," Yami replied as the pan hit the table-top and Ammit appeared behind the man, great teeth salivating. "Wrong answer."

Chomp.

_Rule Ten :_

_Try to separate us? Be afraid. Be very afraid. I am Death, following you through the Shadows. The precious angel is my lover. If you harm him, then I will come for your soul. Are you unaware of your crimes, insolent fool? Come, little fool, let me lead you like a lamb to the slaughter house..._

Gold eyes flickered in the darkness as its owner gazed around, searching for the soul that had escaped death back into the living world.

Crimson eyes met its gaze first from the spiky-haired individual right before him, so close that the herald of the gentle darkness stepped back, into the tight bear-hug of the tall individual behind. Looking up, red eyes gleaming with crimson malice gleamed back at him, framed by blond locks and set in dark skin. Finally, russet eyes like old blood made their appearance, white hair a cascade that made its owner look like an ethereal ghost.

"Herald," the white-haired one growled. "You will destroy us then?"

"I have to," the herald replied stonily. "Sorry, Yami San."

Yami exchanged cold looks with the other two _yami_, all three expressions like granite. Then they smiled, the equally cold Cheshire smile that looked like the sickle moon that heralded the night. Shadows swirled around the trio, and for once since a time ago, the herald felt afraid.

"Let's play a game," all three hissed at him as their monsters appeared behind them.

* * *

><p><em><strong>I adapted this from the 'Ten Rules to date my daughter' thing and the drabbles are my work.<strong>_

_**Please read and review!**_


End file.
